Sometimes...

Sometimes I miss Tucson so much it hurts.  Tonight is one of those nights.  The times I miss it like that are as random as the wind.  I'll go weeks; MONTHS, and be totally fine and content right where I am.  And then something will pop up and I miss being back there so much my heart feels like it will break into pieces.  Tucson is the one place on earth that has always felt like "home" to me.  It took nearly a year after we arrived there to feel it deep in my bones...but I sure did feel it.   Like the desert had always been there..waiting for me.  By the time I hit my one year anniversary in Tucson...I felt as if I had lived there forever.  Or at least...had meant to be living there!  I have now been in Colleyville, Texas for one year and two weeks.  I do not feel as if I have "come home".  No...I feel like...this is just where I am.   Most days, I'm fine with where I am.  Truly, I am.  I've made a few friends here I am rather fond of.  Not many...but a handful that I can count as genuine.  The jury is still out on much of Texas.  The ladies can seem so sweet...but I have this uncanny ability to tell when someone is sweet all the way through...or just donning their sugar coating.  Despite the crazy heat....there are a LOT of coats in Texas.  Why the sudden wave of nostalgia?  Well...I just read a great book, for one.  It's called "The Help" by Kathryn Sprockett...I think.  I mean...it's definitely called "The Help".  Just not 100% sure on the author.  It might be Kathleen...but I think it's Kathryn.  And several of my friends are doing a book discussion group there back in Tucson.  That might sound SO boring to some...but the book is SO darned interesting with so many different sides to it...and if you grew up when I did, where I did, in the family that I did...well, it's relevant on SO many levels.  It's just a fantastic book.   And I am DYING to have a group to discuss it with.  Heck...I'd love to discuss it with ANYONE.  But the group that WILL be discussing it....many of those gals are near and dear to my heart.  So dear...that I found myself online looking at plane tickets tonight.  To be with those ladies...for just one weekend, with all of us in one room...discussing this amazing book....it would be a dream come true...and then I stop and remember that I am the outsider now...I am the one that moved so far away.  I'm still invited...that is MORE than clear.  But no matter what...I am the one now who does not live there....is not right in the thick of it all.  And on a night like tonight....it breaks my heart and I am sadder than sad.  Not because I don't still belong amongst them...I definitely DO.  It's just that it takes a lot of effort and planning and $250 to make the simplest of things, like a book group discussion, happen.  It makes me think of the amazing women God blessed me with while I was in Tucson. I prayed for them.  Begged for them, really.  Moving away from Sarah Jo Clay nearly killed me.  It was if God's own apprentice lived across the street from me and she was SUCH an amazing example of God and Christ and faith in action.  I was so sad to have only had a few short months in her presence.  I just know I could have learned SO much from her.  As a mother, as a leader, as a teacher.  She was amazing.  But when we landed in the desert and I felt SO alone, I prayed and prayed that God would raise us a group of Christian women for me.  And He DID!  He blessed me with more amazing women then I could hope for.  Lee, and Mary.  Angelica and Catherine.  Jenny and Karen.  And so many more that I could never name them all.  There were so many amazing Christian women who crossed my path.  I was blessed and just felt wrapped up in God's love and care.  We had an amazing bible study that met each week in my home.  The blessings that came from that  group...amazing!  When we found out we were moving to Dallas, I wasn't worried.  I thought...here we are, moving back into the bible belt...how great is THAT?!  But it hasn't been the same.  God HAS provided me with some sweet and strong and amazing women.  But there are many, many apples to sort through here in the state of Texas.  Many wolves in sheeps clothing.  People are simply not as "real" and genuine here as what I found in Arizona.  There is a lot of pretention....a lot of airs....a lot of judging and acting so as not to be judged.  It's disheartening.   For the most part...I feel like the ladies I count as friends are about as real as real gets here in Texas.  But...I'm still trying to figure many of them out.  I may or may not figure them out.  Who knows?!  What I do know, is that tonight...one year and two weeks after my arrival in Texas, I miss Tucson like I've rarely, if ever missed anything.  I miss my friends;  the fact that they are avid readers; that they are bright and intelligent and willing to be genuine and share themselves and their honest thoughts on a book who's subject matter could be SO controversial.  I just miss Tucson tonight.  Like so many other nights.  I'm okay with Texas.  For the most part.  But sometimes....