"Train Up A Child..."

Proverbs 22:6 says to "Train up a child in the ways he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it."  Once you become a parent, that verse tends to find it's way into your brain.  Often.  Probably because every single day of your life is spent training up that child, or children that you have been blessed with.  And I'm using "blessed" pretty loosely tonight because I'm not in the best place with this whole child training thing.  I feel like my child training is going about like my puppy potty training....pretty darned hit and miss regardless of your efforts.   Cooper puppy actually came INSIDE after laying in the sun for about 30 minutes this afternoon JUST TO POOP ON MY CARPET.  Again.  Couldn't possibly have just gotten up and walked a few yards further out into the grass.   No.  Had to come to the door.  Beg to be let in.  Only to duck behind my chair in the family room and drop a lovely poop.  The real kicker?  The back door was still WIDE OPEN!  It wasn't like he came in and got trapped and ignored and pooping on my floor was a last and desperate resort.  Nope.  Door was wide open.  NOTHING between him and the great outdoors, also known as HIS potty.  Better yet, the chair he pooped behind?  Less than 5 feet from that wide open back door.  Sigh.  Seems no matter what I do, that doggie has a mind of his own.  And I am, unfortunately, finding that to be very true of my oldest.  It's progress report time again.  I don't even know why I bother reading the stupid things, because they make me CRAZY.  Only 4 of his six academic grades were listed.  The four grades?  An A, B, D and an F.  Nice.  Max has already been grounded for the past three weeks due to his slack efforts with his schoolwork which resulted in 4 C's on his last report card.  No video games.  It's made him nearly crazy.  NOT however, crazy enough to study or get organized or do any homework or preparation for tests and upcoming projects.  His grades completely suck.  And as parents, we are completely exhausted and aggravated.  See....this is not how I thought it would be.  Why?  I'll tell you why. Because I HAD A PLAN.  That's right I did.    I was going to have this baby.  And he or she would be beautiful and so very bright and we'd lavish attention and affection and make sure they had all of the right opportunities and a stimulating environment and that baby would grow up to be so sweet and respectful, hard working and successful.  He or she would earn honors everywhere, be a natural athlete (despite the fact that neither I nor Chris has any real natural athletic ability) and just be a joy and delight to us and everyone that met our sweet baby.  That was the PLAN.  And before we knew it, we had this bouncing baby boy.  And he WAS beautiful.  And we couldn't get enough of playing with him and lavishing him with attention and educational and stimulating toys.  And very soon that baby was a toddler, talking so much and in such a way that we suspected he was, indeed, very, very bright.  (See, all according to plan!)   And at age three, he rode his big boy bike (with training wheels) and mastered those pedals so quickly, that we suspected his natural athleticism was bursting forth too.  (Just like in the plan.)  Oh, we were so proud of this little guy.  He was exactly what we had planned and we were sticking exactly to our plan.  We made sure to nurture that intelligence and decided to make sure he was continually challenged and able to grow and so we made the decision to homeschool him.  He had the best, hand picked curriculum.  None of that silly kindergarten coloring nonsense for our baby boy.  No...he was practically doing algebra and loving it.  He was delightfully ON PLAN.  And life was delightful with our gifted, bright, sweet, cooperative little angel.  And then the little angel hit the 7th grade.  And he was slightly less delightful.  Mostly not delightful at all, truth be told.  The teachers (because he had been in real school for 5 years at this point) were calling and sending notes about how our baby was not "working up to potential", about how he was "performing below standard", about how he was "not staying on task".   There were meetings and phone calls and interventions.  There was medication and long talks.  Grounding, punishing, rewarding.  You name it, we did it.  We tried not making a big deal out of it.  We tried making a HUGE deal out of it.  And in the end...what WE did didn't matter, because it never changed what HE did.  He couldn't be bothered to change.  And right about there is where you hear the needle skip across the record as it jumps course.  And you are left standing there thinking WHAT in the heck just happened.  HOW did this happen?  THIS is not in the PLAN!!!!!!  It's mind boggling really.  I mean, to have a child who is SO so smart.  Who has more intelligence in his little finger that you do in your whole brain!  And to watch him throw it all away.  To just outright REFUSE to use it.  To REFUSE to be successful.  It's enough to make a mother crazy.  We've had conversations about this kid's grades and efforts more times that I can count.  And more times than I can count I end up in tears or so frustrated that I wish I could just quit this mothering stuff.  Because sometimes I just feel SO VERY BAD at it.  And you realize that regardless of the plans his father and I have for him, regardless of the potential that is just ready to burst forth, regardless of how little effort it would take for him to totally ROCK life academically...regardless of all of that...the fact remains that God equipped this child with free will (dangit!).  And this child likes to use it.  A LOT.  And his will is not one bit lining up with what OUR will for his life would be.  Some days I just want to bang my head.  And then I'm brought up short.  And I wonder if God is blogging this same thing up there in Heaven, only about me?  Is he aggravated and frustrated with me and MY free will?  With all of us?  Is he half crazy with the task of trying to parent all of us?  With trying to lead us down the right paths, only to discover we've taken our own ways?  Again?  Is he sitting back, poised and ready to say "I told you so" the second I fall on my face?  Does God want to bang his head in the heavenlies because I make him crazy with my thoughts and actions sometimes?  With my refusal to be all that I could be, all that He MADE me to be because I'm so set on doing things MY way?  Sigh.  Unfortunately, I can imagine it all too well.  And then I'm awash in the reminder that even still, God does not give up on me.  He does not quit on me.  He still holds out hope and a belief that one way or another I will find my way to the paths He's shown me.   Train up a child...what that verse doesn't tell you is how exactly to do that.  It doesn't tell you the actions to take or the words to say.  It doesn't tell you to go easier here or to push harder there.  It would be nice if it came with a direction booklet.  And while I don't have the answers, I have come to discover a few things along this journey.   For one...It's a marathon...not a sprint.  Parenting is a really long journey.  Like, really, REALLY long. And the last 4 miles, I mean, years, before they leave home are the hardest!  They don't tell you that beforehand.  For obvious reasons.  I think those lizards that eat their young at birth are probably on to something there.  Just nip it in the bud!  Imagine the heartache and stress and sleepless nights they've saved themselves!  In the midst of all of this frustration and craziness and disappointment AGAIN, I heard a song on the radio that changes my perspective.  It's by JJ Heller and is called "What Love Really Means".  And the final chorus is as if they are the words of God and it goes "I will love you for you.  Not for what you have done or what you will be become.  I will love you for you...".  And that right there is the gist of it, huh?  That child IS a blessing and I AM blessed to have the priviledge of mothering him.  Even if that means he is not, GASP, sticking with my great and wonderful PLAN.  Even if he continues to make poor choices and screws up his grades and ends up working at McDonald's or driving a garbage truck for the rest of his life.  He is who he is, he is who God made him to be.  And maybe, just maybe, God's plan for his life is something so much more than my own?  Definitely something to think about as we finish up this school year.  I suppose God has a great work to do in both of us.  The control freak in me is really not totally comfortable with handing over the reins on this one.  Then again...it's a somewhat comforting thought to say "Okay God....he's ALL YOURS!!!!!!!"  Lord, Give me wisdom and strength as I raise up this young man.   Help me Lord to set his feet on right paths.  Not MY paths, but yours.  Help me to see the amazing creation and being that you have wrapped up in this boy.  Help me to appreciate and celebrate the uniqueness that is him and to embrace the things that set him apart.  And help me to TRUST.  To trust that YOUR plan is better than MY plan and to trust that you have this journey all mapped out.  YOU can see the big picture Lord and I can not see past the next bend in the road just ahead.  He truly IS all your's Lord.  Help me to remember that as we walk through these days.  Oh, and Lord, I think I'm gonna need quite a sense of humor in these days to come.  Just sayin'.  Amen.